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internet safety | are you abused? | safety planning

Internet Safety

American Bar Association
Commission on Domestic Violence

WARNING:
Taking all of the actions on this page may not prevent an abuser from discovering your email and internet activity. The safest way to find information on the internet is to go to a safer computer. Suggestions are: a local library, a friend's house or your workplace. Other safety suggestions: change your password often, do not pick obvious words or numbers for your password, and pick a combination of letters and numbers for your password.

HOW AN ABUSER CAN DISCOVER YOUR INTERNET ACTIVITIES

email: if an abuser has access to your email account, he or she may be able to read your incoming and outgoing mail. if you believe your account is secure, make sure you choose a password he or she will not be able to guess. If an abuser sends you threatening or harassing email messages, they may be printed and saved as evidence of this abuse. Additionally, the messages may constitute a federal offense. For more information on this issue, contact your local United States Attorney's Office.

history / cache file: if an abuser knows how to read your computer's history or cache file (automatically saved web pages and graphics), he or she may be able to see information you have viewed recently on the internet.

You can clear your history or empty your cache file in your browser's settings.*

• Netscape:
  Pulldown Edit menu, select Preferences. Click on Navigator on choose 'Clear History'. Click on Advanced then select Cache. Click on "Clear Disk Cache". On older versions of Netscape: Pulldown Options menu. Select Network Options, Select Cache. Click on "Clear Disk Cache".
• Internet Explorer:
  Pull down Tools menu, select Internet Options. On General page, under Temporary Internet Files, click on "Delete Files." If asked, check the box to delete all offline content. Still within the Temporary Internet Files section, click on Settings. (This next step may make it harder to navigate pages where you'd like your information to be remembered, but these remaining cookies do show website pages you have visited. Therefore, use your own judgment as to whether or not to take this next step). Click on "View Files." Manually highlight all the files (cookies) shown, then hit Delete. Close that window, then on General page under History section, click on "Clear History."
• AOL:
  Pulldown Members menu, select Preferences. Click on WWW icon. Then select Advanced. Purge Cache.

* This information may not completely hide your tracks. Many browser types have features that display recently visited sites. The safest way to find information on the internet, would be at a local library, a friend's house, or at work.

Are You Abused?

Does your partner...

• call you names?
• get jealous when you go out with friends?
• tell you what to wear?
• make decisions for you?
• frequently accuse you of cheating on him/her?
• hit you?
• shove you?
• show a weapon to you?
• control your finances?
• threaten to hurt or kill you or someone you know?
• check up on you?
• blame you for his/her problems?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. These can be warning flags that a relationship is not healthy. Other warning signs include, but are not limited to:

• Jealousy
• Controlling Behavior
• Quick Involvement
• Unrealistic Expectations
• Isolation
• Blames Others for His Problems
• Blames Others for Feelings
• Hypersensitivity
• Cruelty to Animals or Children
• "Playful" Use of Force in Sex
• Verbal Abuse
• Rigid Sex Roles
• Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
• Past Battering
• Threats of Violence
• Breaking or Striking Objects
• Any Force During An Argument

You are not alone and support is available.

Dove, Inc. provides a 24-hour confidential hotline where you can talk about your relationship and discuss safety issues and concerns.

It’s important to remember that you are not responsible for your partner’s actions or words.

Safety Planning

A safety plan is a set of strategies that help you become prepared to keep yourself, your children and your loved ones as safe as possible. Although you cannot always predict the actions or behaviors of your abuser, there are ways you can prepare your self in advance. Deciding in advance how you will respond to abusive threats or actions could save the lives of both you and your children.

Safety while living with the abuser

• If an argument or violence begins, avoid rooms without multiple exits or rooms with potential weapons such as bathrooms and kitchens.
• If you or your children are in immediate danger, call the police (911) from a landline if possible. This way even if you cannot talk, the police can trace the call. If this is not possible, use a cell phone.
• Try to keep cell phone with you as much as possible. This way if you are unable to use the phone in the house you can still call the police.
• Practice getting out of your home. Use windows, doors, stair, etc.
• Make sure each room has a clear path to the exits. Don’t block doors, windows or other exits with furniture, tables, boxes, etc.
• Decide in advance where you will go if you need to leave quickly. You can call SAFELINK at 877-785-2020 for a safe confidential place.
• Pack a bag with things you will need, including important documents and papers, for your and your children. Keep that bag hidden in a safe place that the abuser won’t find such as a trusted neighbor or friend’s house.
• Memorize important phone numbers (ie. police, friends, SAFELINK, etc.).
• Ask a neighbor you trust to call the police if they hear disturbances.
• Create a code word or signal with your children, family, friends, and neighbors in the event you need them to call the police.
• Talk to your doctor or local health clinic about ways you can protect yourself from STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. Make sure you discuss methods that you can control.
• Tell your doctor if you have been injured by your partner. Make sure your doctor documents your injuries.
• Call a domestic violence hotline for support (National Domestic Violence hotline - 800-779-SAFE , SAFELINK at 877-785-2020 or DOVE – 888-314-3683). Make sure you use toll-free numbers so the number doesn’t appear on your phone record and your abuser finds out. Please note that most phone calls, including toll-free numbers, may appear of cell phone histories, bills and records.

• Think about the ways you can increase your independence. This could include getting a job, going to school, developing relationships with family and friends, etc.
• Open a bank account and/or credit card in your name, without the abuser.
• Get a cell phone in your name that the abuser does not know about. If this is not possible, contact your local police department or DV agency and ask for an emergency 911 cell phone.
• Get a safe deposit box at the bank. You can put copies of important documents and papers in the box as well as documentation of the abuse, such as photographs of injuries or doctor’s reports.
• Leave a set of clothes, keys, copies of important documents, and money with someone you trust in case you must leave quickly.
• Write down important account numbers and phone numbers. Leave a copy in the safe deposit box and/or with a trusted friend.
• Contact a domestic violence agency or call SAFELINK (877-785-2020) if you need a safe confidential place to go.
• Check with a friend or family member to see if you can borrow money.
• Keep money or a prepaid calling card with in case you need to make an emergency call.
• Memorize a domestic violence hotline number.
• Consider a restraining order. You can contact you local court or District Attorney’s Office to speak to an advocate. He or she will explain your options and the process of seeking a restraining order.

• Change your locks and home security system codes.
• Add locks to doors and windows including a deadbolt.
• Make sure your driveway, walkway and/or porch/deck areas are well lit.
• Change your phone number to an unlisted number. Put caller ID block on your phone and get a caller ID box.
• Use your answering machine to screen calls. Save any and all threatening messages that may be left on the answering machine or voicemail.
• Open a post office box. Have all of your mail forward to the PO Box.
• Shred all mail or forms that your new address appears on.
• Inform your neighbors, landlord, housing authority and/or homeowners association that the abuser no longer lives with you. Therefore, they should call the police and let you know if they see him/her.
• Inform your supervisor, co-workers, and workplace security that you are no longer in a relationship with your abuser. Therefore, if they see him/her, they should call the police and let you know. Provide them with the name, description or photo of your abuser, if possible.
• Ask your work security to escort you to your car when leaving.
• Think about safety issues when traveling. Always drive with all of your doors locked. Change the route you go to and from work. Vary the stores you go to (ie. grocery, convenience store, coffee shops).
• Consider a restraining order. You may contact you local court or District Attorney’s Office to speak to an advocate. He or she will explain your options and the process of seeking a restraining order.
• If you have a restraining order, give a copy to your neighbors, landlord, housing authority and/or homeowners association, supervisor and work security. Keep a copy in your car. Always carry a copy with you.

• Teach your children how to call the police (911) in an emergency.
• Tell them what is happening is not their fault and that you love them. Help them think of ways to stay safe.
• Explain, using age appropriate language, that sometimes people do things that hurt others. If this happens, it is not okay and the child should go to an adult for help.
• If you are still in the abusive relationship, create a safe place the child could go if a violent incident occurs.
• Create a code word with them. Tell them not to go with anyone without your permission unless they use the code word.
• Provide copies of your restraining order to daycare providers, schools, teachers, after-school programs, coaches, babysitters, etc.
• If you do not have a restraining order, discuss with daycare providers, schools, teachers, after-school programs, coaches, babysitters, etc., who has permission to pick up your children.
• Discuss possible support services for your children with teachers, doctors, social workers, and domestic violence agencies.
• Always do visitation exchanges in public areas and bring another adult with you.

• Talk to someone you trust who believes you and who will be non-judgmental.
• Call a domestic violence hotline for support. It is free and confidential. You can receive support, information and learn about your options. DOVE’s 24-hour hotline is 888-314-3683.
• Consider joining a support group. It is important to know that you are not alone. Help is available.

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